FRIENDSHIP DAY 2023: RELATIONSHIPS AND OUR WELLBEING
Friendship Day 2023 - Relationships and Our Wellbeing
Friendship Day falls on this Sunday 30th July. The history of friendship day includes promoting connections between all human beings, regardless of their identity or background. A study that has attracted a lot of recent attention has cemented the importance of social connections in terms of family, friends and the community for our psychological and physical wellbeing.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development is a study that has run for nearly 80 years, giving researchers the capacity to watch the lives of their participants unfold over time to see what makes people healthy and happy. Starting off as 2 separate studies, the study has followed the lives of the original participants from their late teens and early twenties and then their partners, their offspring and now their offspring’s offspring.
The results of this study highlights the importance of the quality of our relationship in predicting both our physical and psychological wellbeing. The results of this study and others suggest that the health of our relationships are considered to be a better predictor of a long and happy life than social class, IQ or even our genes. It is the quality of our relationships with family, friends and community that provides a buffer for the inescapable defeats and challenges that are associated with any life, protecting both our body and brain and helping us bounce back from illness or despair.
Importantly, it is not the number of friends, whether you are in a committed romantic relationship in adulthood or that the relationships we have are always ‘smooth sailing’. Rather it is whether we experience satisfaction with the relationships in your life, knowing that the other person in the relationship will be there for you, that you feel ‘seen and heard’ and that you can lean into the relationship when needed.
Dr Robert Waldinger (the current and fourth director of the study) cautions that relationships are messy, they can be complicated, hard work and a lifelong pursuit but he believes that relationships are worth the investment. So I’ve drawn on some recommendations from Relationships NSW in terms of what are some practical things that we can do about investing in the health of our relationships.
1. Put the time in. Make time to connect with others that matter to you, whether this be a friend or family member. Strong connections need that investment of time and effort. Choosing to spend time with others also communicates to others that they are valuable to you.
2. Really listen to the other person. When we’re in a conversation, sometimes our efforts and energy can be more directed towards thinking about what we want to say rather than listening to the other person speaking. A conversation is more than two people taking turns to speak. We need to listen to what the person is saying. Trying to practise active listening with our friends, partners and children will make others feel valued and will build that connection.
3. Stay in the moment. We live at a time where our attention is a commodity and where we have so many things (including multinational corporations) competing for our attention. So, we need to be intentional and work hard at being present in the moment. This is relevant to whether we are going for a ride with our child or walking with a friend or talking with our partner. It can be easy for our mind to wander, so although we’re there in body, we’re not really present for the person in front or beside us. Being present with the other in the moment builds these healthy social connections. As the philosopher Simone Weil said, “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”
4. Remember the little things. If we’re more present and really listening to others, we’ll be able to pick up on the little details as well as the emotions that the other may be experiencing when they're telling us about the ‘little’ details in their lives. Using these emotional cues, remembering the details and checking in with the person about it later on, can give the message that you’ve heard them, that you value the other person and their experience.
5. Be yourself. Finding people that we feel comfortable with, that we can take a risk to be ourselves and that are accepting of who we are is so important. Dr Elizabeth Laugeson, Founder and Director of the UCLA PEERS Program (an evidence based social skills program) reiterates that it is important to help children learn that not everyone will be our friend. But this also means they miss out on having you as a friend as well. Reflecting on the relationships that give us the most satisfaction, they are the ones that appreciate and celebrate your strengths, that support us in facing our individual challenges and come with the knowledge that you will return this gift.
Mrs Cameron will be speaking about Friendship Day with the students next week encouraging students to be grateful for the gift of friendship and to demonstrate random acts of kindness to others.
You never know, it might just help you make a new friend.
Catherine McKersie School Counsellor
